6月14日
当我重新审视这个房间的时候 我发现它像个孩子似的局促不安地站在这里 在我不在的时候安静异常 在我回来的时候仍旧安静异常。我从来不喜欢这里的旧家具。书桌太小太小，盘腿坐在地上的话，小桌子又太高了——这曾经是家里的餐桌，然后是其小无比的用五块木板拼起来的床。我从来没有使用过的化妆台。母亲也没有使用过。传说是从垃圾堆里捡回来的化妆台。摆在那里，是迄今我仍旧很陌生的样子。所有都只是因为怀旧而不是因为喜爱而不丢弃。
我睡不好。
这里本来是一个很冷漠的地方。你只能讨论。议论。争论。而不是 说 爱。本来就是这样的。然后你听到一些话才会如获至宝地收集起来。收集。呵呵收集。
我睡不好……
某种并不相契合的论调最后导致离开。并不悲壮或者毅然决然，但是最后的结果 是一样的。一样是毫不犹豫地选择了这样的旅程。
但心中有一个地方 它每天都在期望。有个地方。Somewhere. Somewhere please. Anywhere. Anywhere please.
我累。我不知道那里是不是。同样也是有不相契合的地方。同样是有 我会想 啊我不该呆在这里 的地方。
学习。不 这不是学习。这是对自己坦白。那些带着有撕裂一样疼痛的坦白。我老是忍不住哭起来。一边哭一边继续拷问下去。我是这样。我就是这样。我为什么要这样。最本源的原因。当没有回答的时候就老老实实地拒绝回答 而不为了赚取一个分数胡扯所有已知的公式 伪装成一副很懂的样子。
然后隐隐约约地想。恩，会有一天？
会有的一天是像这样的：这一天没有什么足够纪念意义的事情发生。我想。只是又一阵很真实的风，或者大道理全部碎完了没有玩具可以用来消遣用来鄙视用来印证，或者杨树花迎面而来和那个阴霾的上午一样。
然后我会想，那么好吧。就是这里。就在这里就够啦。可以了。积攒满了。我听见了。
23：36
晚上后半部分的时间用来看九州门事件的经过 之前 隐约听说 不愿知悉 然后现在 当细节全部尘埃落定的时候 今何在又开始在他的博上搞笑了的时候 有人把整个事件的时间顺序和对骂过程整理出来形成若干篇文章的时候 在这边用鼠标点开一个一个链接
我想真是很搞笑呢。在书里当成故事来写的东西 就在现实里这么铺展开来 而作为作者竟然一任它行进 竟然也束手无策绝望透顶。当一个孩子面对成堆乱七八糟的账目和未及时抵达的信息，他不会想到自己有程序上的失误，他只会想到两个很简单的字。背叛。
那些我们以为不用外界的强制框架 仅仅凭借信念就可以维持不变的东西。
这许多年。
……然后。你。你啊。
该去睡了。
2008.6.15
It’s a ordinary afternoon. And I write in this way just for having read 2 chapters of <Love Story>..Yeah, the English edition. 2 chapters near the beginning, by the orange light upon my little desk, Oliver was taking his grate hockey game..–that’s good enough, I mean, Far away enough from Jenny’s death.
The right strategy to USE this book is to translate from both sides, that is, first you translate the English into Chinese, then check, then Chinese into English, check again, and next page. But..these words. They grow so originally. I don’t mean to disturb.
After all I did something instead of nothing. And I have some unfamiliar words and phrases in my hands now.
And during my reading I heard MM explain to her friends on Internet that she didn’t get into the chat room this morning for she had to bought some food for lunch.
And PP was still at sleep.
And the quiet air around me. This is such an empty room. Even a new big room will bring no change at all.
And the fuggy bright light outside..There is no rain. And I miss them. And those chilly winds, in which the song in iPOD could get through my ears easily.
And I sat here alone. Not lonely.
And I made myself two cups of coffee. I meant to drink only one cup at the very start, but it ended up when I finished my several pages..and thought began to floating again..something about future.
So many different things. I am not sure enough. Even there is no problem. No big problem, everything would be okey, for if A said wouldya please and B said fine.
What make me afraid?
The past? No. Not them. Then what?
The number?
The crash?
The cold words?
The unreal feelings?
All of these?
…Do I hold the power to hold?
红色蚂蚁 爬行中 